When Aboard the Normandy
by Songbird's Spirit
Summary: A series of mostly unconnected drabbles consisting of all the Normandy Crew members. Read through their antics and feel free to suggest anything you'd wish to see. Let's all take a peek at what exactly happens when one comes aboard the Normandy...either one of them...
1. Shakedown

"LEROY JENKINS!" A human blur charged past Shepard toward the cockpit shortly followed by a very pissed off renegade.

Shepard stood and listened as various shouts and whoops from the two echoed through the halls. The man rubbed his temples with a sigh.

"Who is that?" Grunt asked as he came up behind the Commander.

"That's Erin, she's new." Shepard sighed as he observed Erin run after Jack brandishing a metal spatula she'd undoubtedly smuggled out of the mess hall. Oddly the woman hadn't been deterred by Jack's obvious strength and biotic power.

One would think they knew, or knew of, each other…

"Are things always this lively?" Javik asked as he came up on the other side of Shepard to observe the chaotic exchange as well.

"Yes," Shepard and Grunt replied in unison.

**~o~**

**Erin is a character of mine who might show up in two or three of these. She's more of a representation of the maintenance crews ships tend to have. **


	2. Wise Cracker

Liara fought the urge to scream at the Prothean before her. His people had educated and guided her people in the past according to his claims made during the observation of her people's ancient artifacts and manuscripts on one mission with Shepard. He was blowing everything she knew out of the water and ripping it to shreds before her. She felt like some sort of novice all over again. All the things she thought she knew…and in seconds someone managed to prove most of it weren't true in seconds…she felt…like an idiot.

Even after all of that, one would still think she'd be treating the ancient man with reverence and the utmost respect…

She was leaning more towards the urge of socking that smug look off his face.

"How long do you plan to continue to glare at the back of my callas asari?" Javik asked with an infuriatingly amused undertone.

With a scowl, Liara whirled around and gave a defiant huff.

_ 'Damn that Prothean!' _


	3. Rage Quit

***BAM***

***BAM***

***BAM***

"Are you okay Tali?" Kolyat asked.

"NO!"

***BAM***

***BAM***

***BAM***

"Can I just have my Omni-Tool back?" Kolyat pleaded.

"I HAVEN'T FIXED IT YET!"

***BAM***

***BAM***

***BAM***

***CRACK***

"DAMN IT!"


	4. Klepto Man

"What are you doing Garrus?"

"Hush Erin, I'm trying to concentrate…"

"Yes, I _know_…but _what_ are you _doing_?"

_*Sigh*_

"For a Harbin, you aren't very good at detecting when someone wants to be left alone…"

"Garrus, Harbin graduates notice everything." Erin scoffed.

"So…you know I don't want you here."

"Psh, of course…I'm just ignoring that."

"Are you ever going to leave?"

"The moment you tell me exactly why you have Jack's knife is the moment I leave."

"I took it for the Biotic Residue she left on it."

"…Okay…"

"The results could help me configure my energy calibrations for the Biotics the others' use."

"You are one suicidal bitch."

"Erin, get out."

"Totally suicidal…"


	5. Bright Lights

Shepard was seconds away from banging his head against the metal walls of the Mess Hall. If one was on Earth right now, it would presently be around the yuletide season. He and Joker had made the mistake of accidentally sharing this fact during a stop at the Citadel for repairs. Given that, at that time, Mordin had access to videos usually not available in deep space; he took the time he had at the Citadel to research vids directly related to the festive event.

Needless to say, the fast-talking alien had come across some college Christmas party vids that the others had quickly become fascinated with.

That fascination was the reason for his current situation.

In an attempt to show her willingness to participate in the festivities his race celebrated, Tali had decorated her armor in an array of flashy Christmas tree lights that she got from only God-knows-where. Now the Quarian female was in the mess hall nearby, properly fuming. Apparently, Javik could be a type of humbug that Zaeed could only dream of being. The Prothean had shared some words of opinion on Tali's outfit and the two had gotten into a rather heated argument.

Now, the Prothean was holed up in his room, likely humiliating Liara who had gone down to attempt at reprimanding the Prothean for his actions.

Wrex suddenly lumbered into the mess followed by Zaeed who stumbled in and took a seat at one of the elongated picnic-like-tables.

"Shepard, please let us shoot the Prothean."

Shepard raised an eyebrow; more surprised the Krogan warrior had even bothered to ask him to begin with…

"Why?"

"Liara just stomped out of his place soaking wet…said something about ducks…or was it dunk?" he mumbled.

"The bastard dunked her in the water basin cause' she annoyed him or some shit." Zaeed spoke up.

"You know what," Shepard growled, "Go for it. Have a fantastic day!"

As Shepard stormed from the room Wrex looked to Zaeed, "What's his deal?"

"Does it matter? You've got a 50,000 year old alien brat to shoot some holes in." Zaeed snorted.

"Right…good point; see you around Zaeed."


	6. The Turian Weapon

Javik suppressed a scowl at the newest addition to the crew, a human female with the name Erin. The female was currently peering at him from where she sat on the edge of his desk. Suddenly, the human 'primitive' loudly clapped her hands together and looked right at him.

"You know what Javik, Garrus can teach you something after all." She said cheerfully.

"I doubt that." Javik replied with a dead tone.

"No, no, listen to me. I think you are a prick." She began.

Javik gave her a smoldering look. "And you obviously have a giant metal rod lodged very tightly up your ass…if you have one of those anyway." She continued.

"Human I am warning you." Javik snarled.

"When a turian runs out of ammo, he switches to this stick up his ass." She interrupted.

"Erin, leave before I-." he tried to stress his seriousness by saying her name.

"So, maybe Garrus can teach you to swat some heads with yours. I mean, we're all primitives. So, most only have sticks at this point. But you, Javik, have a giant futuristic pole. What an honor it seems to be." She praised and Javik was at a loss for words.

He was utterly appalled the human female had the gusto to say such a thing.

"Maybe Garrus can teach you how to bash some heads with your pole; show you some techniques and whatnot." Erin smiled and hopped off the desk.

*Erin re *snort* report to the…hehe…report to the cockpit*

Joker's announcement promptly shut off with a short transmission of him and Shepard howling with laughter. "Well, that's my cue. Talk to you layer Javik." Erin waved and strolled out the door.

Javik continued to stare at the door as she left, as the hall was filled with booming laughter.

"So…this is what the asari meant when she said the human pilot was prone to 'exacting payback'." He murmured, figuring his little conversation with the human had been broadcast over the public intercom.

"Stupid primitive children…"


	7. Happiness Illuded

**Just a special scene I thought up in class…Cause' I mean, everyone has bad days. **

**The Illusive Man…maybe his name is Tim? T: he I: llusive M: an? **

**Imma call him Tim here. **

**~o~**

The Illusive Man was not having a good day. Twice already he'd had to change into different pants. Both times he'd spilled coffee on himself because the ship lurched during travel. Speaking of traveling, normally he'd still be in his stationary spot in front of the star, however the star was going supernova meaning unless he wanted to get caught in the firestorm coming from it, he had to find a new star to pose in front of. However, it wasn't going to well.

Entering the main room where he normally sat at, he started his solid digitalized screen, his 'computer' sorts and began his day.

"Annie, locate the nearest star. I need one along the same statistical makeup of the last one."

"I'm sorry sir, but none are within the area." The feminine voice replied.

He choked on a sip of coffee and got a tight feeling of anger boil in his chest. "Well scan for one out of area then."

"Ah, lucky for you sir-."

"Can you please speak in a way that does not make me want to replace you?" The Illusive Man growled.

"Fine then; there is one in the Widow, The Serpent Nebula, that is close by." She said.

Tim roughly face-palmed at the idiocy the computer displayed.

"We can't GO INTO THE WIDOW AREA!" Tim shouted.

"I do not see why sir." The AI responded.

"That's where the Citadel is! What am I going to do?!" The Illusive Man began to sarcastically prance around the room, "Oh hello there, my name is Tim, also known as the Illusive Man. I need to come and pose in front of a star in this nebula, may I pass?"

He growled. "What the hell?!"

"That was a lovely display sir. You may want to consider taking up an acting class?" AI suggested.

"**AUGH**!" He gave a frustrated cry.

"Um sir," his assistant stood at the door.

"_Hello_ Miranda," he nearly smiled, "_How_ is _your_ day going?" he smiled insanely.

"Are you alright sir?" she asked.

"No, I'm losing my cool…" he sighed and rested his palms on his desk.

"Actually sir, you cannot lose your cool because you do not have _cool_. Cool is not a physical object that can be owned. Technically one cannot have cool because they have never had cool in the first place. So you, sir, happily do not have cool to lose." AI told him.

Tim promptly asked Miranda to get him a gun.


	8. Wet Krogan

"NO!" Grunt bellowed as he charged down the hall.

Tali followed closely behind, madly waving a bath-washing wand.

"Grunt you need a bath!" Tali hollered.

"I refuse to sacrifice my manly odor!"

"Your manly odor is unsanitary," Tali-Zorah growled, "You're BO is going to kill me!"

"JACK IS HERE TO INTERCEPT!" Jack charged out of an intersecting hall brandishing a spray hose from a nearby room.

Grunt's eyes widened as Jack and Tali slowly closed in on him.

"NOOO!"

_'Sorry big guy.'_ Jack thought.

"Why did you agree to help me?" Tali asked as she wrestled the washing-wand out of the struggling Krogan's reach.

"The smell of an inmate who hasn't showered in three months, I can handle that. The smell of a Krogan who hasn't showered in two…has to go."


	9. Paranoia Patrol

Shepard found himself rapidly spiraling into a pit of pure paranoia. No one could find Thane…or Garrus…or Kelly…

And now the unforgettable feeling of being watched was setting in. Quickening his step, he made it to the elevator and jammed his finger against the button about twenty times. After an agonizingly slow ride, he made it to his floor. The Commander all but dove into the safety of his room. Pressing his back against the door in an attempt at calming his pounding heart, he glanced at his space hamster staring at him curiously from his cage.

Shepard padded over to his pet and examined him, making sure he appeared well-fed and cared for. He tampered with the latch just in case his 'guard hamster' needed to escape.

"Remember Buddy, go for the eyes."


	10. Gif

"JAVIK! LET ME LOVE YOU!"

"GO AWAY ERIN!"

"YOU WILL BE LOVED!"

"NO!"

"WHY CAN'T WE BE FRIENDS JAVIK?"

"DAMN PRIMITIVES!"


	11. Tangled

Garrus stood in the engine room of the Normandy, feeling as humiliated as ever, as he ever so impatiently waited for Shepard to stop laughing.

"God Garrus, I can't believe you sometimes!" she cackled.

While trying to make a minor adjustment he had managed to tangle one of his mandibles in some wires. Now he was stuck and his would-be-savior wasn't helping his cause very much…

"Are you going to help me anytime soon?" Garrus huffed with annoyance.

Shepard's had settled down into small snorts by now, so the still-amused commander got up and stumbled over to inspect the damage done. She poked at some things and Garrus visibly flinched.

"Please don't do that."

"Why?"

"Can you please just untangle me?"

"Fine then, you kill joy."

***Shuffle***

***SNAP***

"OW!"

"What?"

"That doesn't bend like that!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"What if I did this?"

***Fwip***

***Flick***

***SNAP***

"Fucking hell Shepard!"

"Hey I'm trying my best here!"

"You're best efforts are going to rip of a mandible."

"I don't know what you're so worried about. It was half torn off and blown up anyway."

"Did you have to bring that up? Right now, of all times." Garrus grouched.

"Quit whining, I've almost got it."

"No, it really doesn't feel like you do."

***Fwing***

***Bend***

***Slip***

***SNAP***

"Oh my god Garrus I am so sorry!"

"…Erg…Right on the mandible."

"Well, we'll have Mordin look at that later…"

"You're going to kill me."

"You're whining is going to kill me."

"SOMEONE HELP ME!"

"Garrus, be quiet!"

***SMACK***

** "…*whimper*…"**


	12. Chilly Burgers

***ACHOO***

"Ugh…you just couldn't let us leave without visiting TGI Friday's…could you Joker?" Erin snapped at the pilot.

"H-hey, this place is worth it!" Joker argued.

"Well it's not doing us much good now! Seriously, there's now power because of the damn blizzard outside!"

"Well _excuse_ me princess!"

"You wanna go a round brittle bones?!"

"Bring it sweetheart!"

"…Sweetheart…really?"

"What?"

"Will you two give it a rest," Shepard growled, "I can't hear the sound of my mind freezing over."

"Yes ma'am."


	13. Valor of a Stranger

Thane was feeling…melancholy. Every day he did the same thing aboard the Normandy. He'd either go out on a fight alongside Shepard and another crew member, or he'd wait until after or one was over when Shepard came down to visit everyone and see how they were.

He even was getting over the weird vibe he got from Kelly when she watched him, thinking he wasn't looking and _noticing_.

Thane was on Illium with the rest of the crew. They were on a bit of shore leave so here he was, waiting for the leave to be done with. He was satisfied with life; there wasn't much else for him to do.

"Excuse me mister." A voice came from behind him.

Thane briefly tensed before turning around. A small salarian child was behind him, with an expression he knew well.

Fear

"Sir, please help me." she begged in a high voice.

Suddenly there was shooting. Thane dove forward, shielding the girl from any hits. Scooping the child up into his arms, he began to run. The shooters weren't visible yet so Thane continued to run.

"What is your name?" he asked.

"Kasaie." She replied.

"Where are your parents Kasaie?" Thane asked.

"…Dead…" she sniffed.

Thane glanced down out the girl with eyes full of sorrow. "I am sorry Kasaie." He said.

"It's okay." She mumbled.

"I'll keep you safe Kasaie…I promise."

"Okay mister; I trust you."


	14. Skittles

**I appreciate the views but some feedback would be nice. Let me know what you think or want to see. Nearly a thousand views too…**

**So, hope you're enjoying this! I've got another story up too. It's called Innocent Smiles. This is my first fic in this section, but that's my first ME story. So check it out if you want and if you have any constructive criticism it would be appreciated.**

**~o~**

"…***Snicker***…" Erin tried to muffle the sounds as she, Jack, and Shepard walked back to the Normandy.

Shepard eyed her but said nothing.

…

…

***Snort***

"What is so funny?!" Jack demanded.

Erin burst out laughing, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Feron," she wheezed, "He was made of rainbows!"

Shepard and Jack stared at their partner as she cackled with hysteria.

"What?" Jack asked.

"You didn't see him?" she asked in awe, "Feron, Liara's Drell friend, he was so colorful, like a package of Skittles!"

A small snort escaped Shepard's lips while Jack snorted out loud.

"Now that you mention it," Jack laughed, "He was rather colorful."

Shepard smiled at the two as they chatted. "Speaking of Skittles," Shepard piped, "If we find any we should send him some."

Erin grinned wide. "All hail our crafty commander." She snickered.


	15. As Long as Hope Exists

_Tears streamed down her face_

_Her nose ran with snot_

_She couldn't stop the tears _

_No she just could not_

_Why had he crossed the sea_

_Oh why had he left her_

_She wished she could have a child's innocent dream_

_So she could dream of crossing the sea on a boat_

_So she could meet him and complete her heart again_

_Oh Thane you never should have left_

_You took my will with you_

_Oh come back to me Thane_

_Please_

_I would do anything to have you with me_

By: Alicia Shepard

"Siha, are you alright in there?" Thane's voice flowed through the door.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine!" Shepard called back!

"Are you ready to leave for Kros?" he asked.

"Give me a moment babe! I'll be right out!"

Taking one last glance at the poem Shepard hit delete.

_'I suppose I can always hold onto hope…'_ She thought with a sigh.

Grabbing her purse, Shepard joined Thane in the hall as they prepared to take some shore leave on a beautiful desert planet.


	16. Sister

"So that's her huh?" Jack asked.

"Yup, that's Nel." Erin sighed.

Jack looked at the photo the woman had brought with her. "What's with the swords?" Jack pointed them out.

"Katana," Erin corrected instinctively, "They're katana. Well, she didn't like guns; so she trained with a clan to use katana."

"A clan, you mean like those Japan ninja clans?"

"Yup, I miss her. Even after the training she was a little smart-ass shit." Erin looked at Jack, "You would have liked her."

"Did she ever beat you up?" Jack asked.

Erin laughed, "Yeah, once. She took after my dad…both her and him are so eccentric. I swear the looks I get when I honestly tell people I have a ninja for a sister…" Erin snickered, "But, it's strange really. She travels all over the place trying to find something to stick to."

"So she's still trying to find her place in the world?" Jack mused.

"Sort of," Erin murmured, "It's more like she's been having some sort of mid-life crisis since she was twelve and jumped off that vine."

"…Vine?"

"Don't…I don't want to talk about it." Erin sighed.

"You act like she died…" Jack commented.

"She's going into a vegetarian program on a planet colony with virtually no source of meat. She isn't going to make it Jack. She needs cow."

"Cow…?" even Jack found that statement strange.

"Yes, you heard me…cow…"

**~o~**

**To my guest reviewer…**

**I have no idea what you're talking about. What in the world are you referring to? And what are you even trying to say? Please, if you are going to make a negative comment, if that's what you intended to do, then please leave. **

**Songbird 0.o**


	17. The Comments Section

**I don't know if anyone cares to answer this but does anyone want Nel in the story? That said what about Erin; more interaction or less? Eh, I hope you enjoy these either way. I'm just trying to put a smile on someone's face.**

**And um, to my guest reviewer…**

**Lazy Leviathan: No…that's not it. It was more of a poem for him. In that fic they were going on a trip because Thane's time was running out. She was writing a poem for him to take across the sea with him since in his culture it's tradition to burn the body. She was trying to come up with something to give him to remind him of her until her time to cross the sea passes. But your idea gives it a bit of a twisted spin. It's not what I was trying to convey, but coots to you for creative thinking.**

**~o~**

Claws

Scales

Humps

Shepard sighed as she went over her report. She had to hand in a physical form for each recruited alien and human and then hand it in to the Illusive Man…

As a requirement, she had to put something in the comments section. She wasn't sure what to put in the boxes, so she went with the next best thing.

"EDI, can you ping Tali and ask her to come up here?" Shepard asked.

"Of course, Shepard." EDI replied.

Five minutes later, Tali was knocking on her door. "IT'S OPEN!" Shepard called.

Tali poked her head in the room and tilted it. "Did you need me Shepard? EDI wouldn't give me any details." The Quarian asked.

"Yeah, come here." Shepard gestured to where she sat on the floor.

Tali came over and sat down cautiously. She really hoped this wasn't about the whole thing that happened between her and Zaeed after the party. In Tali's defense, she hadn't been thinking straight.

"I need your help with something in the reports." Shepard said.

"You called me up here to do your paperwork?" Tali asked flatly.

"No, it's more like I need your opinion." Shepard mused aloud.

"My…opinion?"

"Yeah, you know those physicals you did with Chakwas?"

Tali nodded. "I have to fill out a comments section and some of these…I don't know what to write."

"Doesn't sound hard…" Tali murmured.

"You're basically supposed to put what you think of the others."

She straightened up happily, "That sounds like a cool idea!" she giggled.

"So you'll help?"

"Sure!"

**~o~**

Shepard tried to process what she was reading…It wasn't really working. The comments…

Just…Tali…

She had kept Thane's, Jack's, Joker's, Grunt's, and Jacob's.

Tali got Miranda's, Garrus's, Zaeed's, Liara's, Wrex's, and Kelly's.

Hers went something like this.

Jack: Violent and Impulsive, but had reasons…good to have on my side.

Joker: A dependable pilot and a good person for advice if you know how to avoid his pranks.

Jacob: Can be kind, can be strict…dependant on situation.

Grunt: Noticeable blood-lust, yet innocent enough to let slide. He means well, he just chooses violence to express it.

Thane: Strong, yet sensitive to others. Even to husks he prays for a safe journey across the sea. Has a nice ass.

Admittedly, Thane was the only one she'd added something like that to. But Tali had gone a little overboard with her observations.

Zaeed: A gun-ho bastard, but means well…I think.

Liara: Very sweet, but needs to come clean about her abundant affections for Feron. I mean, sheesh, do something already!

Wrex: Violent, gigantic, and good at smashing husks with his body! Very good at opening cans.

Kelly: Has an alien fetish…stay away from Garrus.

Garrus: Sexy, Kelly can keep her hands off.

Shepard sighed and threw Tali's datapad on the bed and began to fill it out.

Tali: When it comes to filling out datapads, never let Tali NEAR THEM!


	18. Violent Intoxication

"Ugh…" Shepard groaned as she hunched over the toilet, nauseous from hanging upside-down for so long.

"Never again," Grunt muttered from outside her door where he was sprawled out on her floor.

"From now on liquor stays under lock and key." Shepard shouted at Zaeed who was sprawled out in the hall.

Everyone moaned in protest to the loud voice the woman had.

"Shut up commander, I feel hammered." Zaeed growled.

"Who knew that Kolyat was so violent?" Tali muttered.

"In his defense he was buzzed." EDI sighed.

"Thane," Mordin growled from out in the hall, "Warn us next time."

Thane glared at the Salarian from his spot on the terminal. "I did not know that would happen either," Thane swallowed, "He unfortunately inherited his mother's short temper."

"EDI, where is Kolyat now?" Shepard asked.

"Hung-over…puking in his room. He seems to have calmed down from his violent intoxicated tendencies and seems sober enough to approach." EDI responded.

"Serves the bitch right."

"Shut up Zaeed."


	19. Flounder

"So…Turians can't swim?"

"No Erin, we can't swim."

"Why not?"

"We just can't."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"What?"

"You do realize Kahje is a water planet right?"

"But…I thought Drell couldn't live in that sort of climate…"

"They have special dome civilizations to keep dry. Everywhere else is water. Didn't you hear Shepard? She said it's a small trek through the _marshes _to just get from the airport to the highways used to get to the eco-domes." Erin asked.

"But…but I can't be in water!"

"Wow man, sucks to be you."


	20. Bundles of Joy

"Liara…he's adorable." Shepard cooed as the baby Drell latched onto her finger, staring up at her with wide black eyes.

"I'm surprised he ended up as a Drell…but yes, he is adorable."

"The coloring is…breathtaking."

"Thank you Miranda."

The color of the baby Drell was indeed breathtaking. The hues of his scales had hints of the same color variety of his father, Feron, but it also carried hints of soft indigo hues that slipped around the edges of the scale making the baby look like her glowed with youth.

"I hope Feron gets home soon," Liara said softly, "I want him to see his child."

"He'll be speechless Liara." Shepard assured her.

"…Are you…crying Wrex?" Miranda asked.

"No, I've got dust in my eyes."

"He's crying."

"Be quiet Grunt, it had been long since I've seen such a beautiful offspring…or offspring at all."

"I know Wrex, I know."

"Would you like to hold him?"

"Are you sure you'd be okay with that Liara."

"Completely."

Liara carefully shifted the small Drell into Wrex's arms. The big Krogan's eyes filled with even more tears as the Drell latched onto his finger with a strong grip.

"He's beautiful Liara."


	21. Hamster Fury

"I UNLEASH MY HAMPSTER FURY!"

Everyone looked at the intercom as the announcement was made and abruptly shut off. Grunt and Wrex looked at Erin, followed by everyone else. The newest recruit looked right back at them all.

"What? I didn't do anything." She said with a raised eyebrow.

"Wait, hush, all be quiet…hear that, the vents, little sounds up there, listen…" Mordin said as rapidly as always.

Everyone quieted and the expressions got weirder. "He's right, what the hell?" Zaeed said and then suddenly gave a surprised roar and began shooting.

Everyone began yelling and ducking for cover until the biotic man stopped shooting. "What the hell was that about?!" Garrus shouted and ducked a blast from Zaeed's gun.

"A fucking rat is in my food!" he howled and everyone scurried over to get a look.

Sure enough, there was _something_ in there. It was kind of hard to tell what it was though.

"That's not a rat…" Erin mumbled.

"Then what is it?" Zaeed snarled.

"What did the announcement say?" Tali asked.

"Something about Hamster Fruit," Wrex said.

"Fury," Liara corrected.

Wrex shrugged, not caring either way and looked back at the table. "Well, it's dead now so it doesn't matter."

"I wonder what that was all about anyway." Jack muttered.

With everyone's appetite properly ruined, the crew went back to their quarters.

"What the hell?!" Kaiden's voice let out a screech.

Everyone on his floor came running and was met with the sight of hamster all over his space and in his stuff. "I repeat," He glowered, "What the hell?"

~o~

Shepard watched from the monitor in her room as the crew received their surprise.

"I asked them to do one simple thing, keep Aria's fish alive while I'm on Illium." Shepard muttered to herself, "And I came back to a tank full of dead fish."

"Isn't this taking it a bit far though, putting hamsters in Kaiden's room and in the vents?" Thane asked from where he was on the bed, smartly taking refuge in her room.

"No, do you have any idea how scared I was when I had to go up to Aria alone and tell her that her incredibly rare and expensive fish died under 'my' watch?"

"No," Thane replied warily.

Shepard shuddered as she recalled the memory. "It's like she turns into your mother…" The commander murmured.

"You must have been truly terrified." Thane responded with a blank tone.

Shepard glared at the Drell.

"Alright smartass, get the hell off my bed."

Thane just grinned at her before frowning as a thought occurred to him. "Wait, where did you get so many hamsters anyway?" he asked, slightly fearing the answer.

"Hmm, oh they're synthetic. I had Miranda use Mordin's equipment and clone the one up there." Shepard explained, "But, since this is low-level cloning we're talking about they'll turn back into particles and dissolve after a few more hours."

"What about Miranda? Isn't she in the Crew decks too?"

"Nope," Shepard smiled, "She's up in the Information Decks with Joker."

"You are devious…"

"I am aware."


	22. 1 2 3 Stare

"…"

"…"

"What are they doing?" Garrus asked.

"Staring contest," Mordin answered.

"How would they have a staring contest?" Garrus questioned and pointed to Thane and Tali.

"Don't know, could be something between them…no, they live on different operating decks…need to look into this further," Mordin muttered.

"Well it kind of works out…" Jacob said after a few moments had passed.

"And how do you figure that?" Garrus twitched a curious mandible.

"Well, Tali has a mask and we usually don't see Thane blink because of his double sets of eyelids." Jacob pointed out, "I guess they both have to rely on watching each other and waiting for the other to get reckless so they can notice them blink."

"This may take a while. Yup…I know."

*Four Hours Later*

"But Siha-!" Thane yelped.

"No buts, you promised we'd do it tonight and you're not backing out of me this time!" Shepard snapped and dragged Thane toward the elevator.

From the medical bay Dr. Chakwas snickered and filmed the whole thing, even Tali who was letting herself do a little happy dance, as she was unaware of the mischievous Doctor.


	23. Sweater Weather

As Shepard walked through the halls of the Normandy she noticed the crew had refused to look at her. She couldn't decide whether she appreciated it or found it to be annoying. Shepard didn't look at any of her crew either though. She felt too nervous, even paranoid. What was going to happen now?

"So, do you think he's going to be alright?" Shepard nervously asked Joker.

"He'll be fine Commander, Thane's tough." Joker shrugged.

"Given his training and his knowledge, I conclude there is a low percentage that Thane's predicament will end in termination."

"Yo Commander," Erin called as she strolled over to the cockpit, "Where's Thane?"

"He's out there…" Shepard said in a weary voice.

Erin tilted her head. So…you had the assassin accompany you in n Earth snowstorm and then lost him?" Erin paraphrased.

"Basically," Shepard murmured and rubbed her arms anxiously.

Erin's face split into a wide grin. "Don't sweat it Commander, Thane is like a…Drell version of Snake Eyes but he talks and he's been trained by aliens." She rambled, trying to be reassuring.

"Snake…who?" Shepard asked.

Erin gave her a disbelieving look. "You mean you don't know who Snake Eyes is?"

The Commander shook her head. Joker laughed. "Oh come on Commander even I know who that is."

Shepard grumbled and took another look at the snowstorm. As she opened her mouth to say something the airlock burst open and Thane came stomping in shivering like a leaf.

"Siha," he addressed the Commander tensely.

Before Shepard could say a word, Thane cut her off. "If you need me I will be in the crew decks…warming up by the stove."

With that said, the assassin stormed to the elevator, leaving little wet puddles in his wake. The Commander watched mouth wide in shock, as her crew laughed at the spectacle between their odd Commander and serious assassin.


	24. Thane the Troll

**~o~ Shepard ~o~**

I face-palmed again…for the fourth time that morning.

"No, Thane…August is the eighth month." I sighed.

"No, it's the second."

"February is the second month."

"No, the second is June."

"June is the sixth month."

"November is the sixth month…"

"_OHMYGOD_THANE," I groaned, "What calendar are you going by?!"

"The assassin's calendar," Thane grinned.

I moaned and threw a pillow at him. "I'm gonna go take a shower." I growled.

"See you when you get back." Thane snickered.

**~o~ Thane ~o~**

_'Oh Siha, you are too easy to trick.'_ I thought with a chuckle.

I listened as the water turned on in the bathroom.

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

And August

September

October

November and December…

"THANE!" Shepard bellowed.

"Shit."


	25. Serious

It was a tense moment.

It was a stare-down between the serious code-bound justicar Samara and the ever energetic recruit Erin. I bit my lip in anticipation. Even Miranda and Javik looked a little worried about the outcome. Erin cocked her head to the side before surveying Samara again.

Samara kept stock still, her judgmental gaze still sternly fixed on the crew's youngest member of Team Shepard. Erin stood up straight again before pitching forward, past Samara and dashing at the cook of the crew and shoving him aside. Her hands flew across the workspace before she settled down.

When she turned and found everyone staring at her, "What, the soup was burning?" She replied.

"Are you sure you should have this one aboard." Samara asked.

"Sometimes I question it too, but she's is our youngest member." Shepard replied.

"Even if she is the youngest, what pass does that give her?" Samara asked with a skeptical frown.

Any reply Shepard would have given was interrupted by Erin.

"FEAR MY SAUCY SPOON OF JUSTICE!" Erin declared and both women looked over to see the youngest woman waving a spoon of spaghetti sauce at Chakwas while the doctor staggered about, overcome by a ferocious wave of giggles.

"I believe…she keeps a form of sanity aboard the ship." Shepard laughed.

"Such as," Samara asked.

"She's one of the few here that still has some form of mental innocence." Shepard replied.

"I will look out for it." Samara nodded.

**~o~**

**I…oh my…crystalfox127, you are trying to kill me…**

**She…you…you reviewed all 24 of the chapters…like you did with another story of mine…**

**MY LORD WOMAN! I missed it, thinking it was another story then I looked at the title and it was like… 'omfgshereviewedallofthemomgomgomgwtfI3U'. **

**So…apparently Crys has adoption rights for Erin. Have fun you two!**

**Songbird 0.o **


	26. Letters from Home

"Garrus," Shepard called.

The Turian who made his place in the main battery turned to face his long-time friend. "Shepard, how are you?" he replied.

"Fine," she muttered, "How come you never told me you had a sister?" she asked.

"Oh, um, well…" he stammered and scratched behind his fringe awkwardly.

"It's her birthday apparently." Shepard continued and extended her hand that carried a lone datapad.

The Turian vigilante took the datapad and tapped on the message screen. On the screen appeared a message from back home.

_Cerberus gave me this address, they couldn't give me my brother's so this will have to do. Commander Shepard, I am Solana Vakarian, Garrus's sister. He probably hasn't mentioned me before. _

_I don't know his whereabouts but if you are alive…my best guess is that you have recruited him and he's flying out somewhere to his death once-again. Keep him safe…if that's the case. I really needed to contact you. If my brother is onboard, I need to know if you can keep him safe._

_If Garrus is with you I only want him to read this._

_Brother, you could have said something before you left. Where did you go? How are you? What are you doing? Mother and I…even the boys are worried sick about you. You could have sent a message or gave us a sign…right?_

_I guess…I suppose there isn't a point to saying this but please…please come home. When you get the chance…come home. I know you hate C-Sec but is this really the way to go about it? _

_Well…please keep yourself alive._

_With Love,_

_Solana_

Garrus sighed and closed the message. "Thank you Shepard."

After the Commander nodded and left, Garrus began carefully typing up a message for Solana he swore to send the next time they docked on the Citadel.

_Dear Solana,_

_I know…I know…it's been too long. _


	27. Misinterpretation

Kolyat felt so…awkward.

His father had asked him to accompany Shepard on her mission while he went back to the Citadel for the week to make sure his treatments were up to date. Shepard had signed his father up for Keplar's Syndrome treatments the moment she acquired the funding much to Thane's chagrin. He really didn't have a choice. The first, and probably last, time Thane had refused to go in for treatment he had learned exactly how sneaky and incredibly _deadly_ the commander could really be.

He had passed word onto him that he was immediately grateful, the moment he woke up of course, that he was on the commander's side in this long fight.

He had also said he'd 'discovered' why all enemies of the woman seemingly went overboard when preparing to face her. It was never actually overboard but instead being as prepared as they could. It seemed as if the underlying message was that if one was trying to defend themselves against the woman there was no such thing as going overboard.

The woman would move a god-forsaken mountain if it meant completing the mission.

But that was his father's problem. Kolyat had his own to deal with right now.

His main problem being the fact that he was currently standing on one end of the main command deck while all of the Normandy crew were on the other as Shepard walked through the space in the middle introducing Kolyat. No one really seemed to be listening to her though.

"Kolyat." Shepard said suddenly.

The teen snapped to attention. "Yes ma'am?" he asked shakily.

"Are you alright?" she asked seemingly concerned.

"Why wouldn't I be alright?" Kolyat replied defensively.

"Your throat it turning…purple?" she murmured.

Kolyat felt all his blood rush to his face. At least she didn't know what that-.

"His purple throat coloring…strange, in Drell…common show of intimacy or scrutiny…hmm, no one talking to you…no one bullying you either…tell me dear Drell, who exactly are you attracted to amongst the crowd, answer could be beneficial to scientific purpose." The salarian scientist said to him.

Kolyat wanted to die right there on the floor as everyone burst out in laughter.

"Mordin…stop…" Shepard wheezed between her laughs, "The kid's just being a teenager."

"Oh, so hormones cause fluxes in his preference? Interesting…" The apparent Mordin replied thoughtfully, "I will record that for further studies. Thank you Shepard, I must get back to work."

With that the scientist left.

Kolyat whimpered as the room filed out. "Amonkira, Arashu, Kalahira, please have mercy on me." He prayed and prayed.

"Don't worry Kolyat; you'll have time to meet everyone personally later." Shepard clapped the young Drell on his back before walking away.

"…Amonkira shoot me now."


	28. Cemented

Chakwas knew that her occupation encountered many weird things. Some incidents were so bizarre she didn't even ask the patient for the full story…or for an account at all if she could help it. But this…this was going to kill her.

She was literally on the floor shaking with laughter as Nihlas, the Spectre himself, was standing in her Medical Bay giving her a sheepish look while awkwardly wiggling what he still could of his fingers. The Turian had somehow managed to encase his fingers in now dry and caked pottery clay. He rocked back and forth on his feet from heels to tips.

"I'm s-sorry, but…what, heh-heh, what did you _do_?" Chakwas laughed.

"Your crewmate, Erin I believe, goaded me to join her in making more clay targets for target practice. I fell asleep while she was explaining…and woke up alone in her room with my hands bound." He sighed looking unfathomably embarrassed.

Chakwas was sent into another tizzy of giggles. "I apologize…" Chakwas stood with laughter in her eyes, "Erin is quite the handful."

"How do I get this off?" he asked.

"Hmm…we're going to go see Wrex." Chakwas told him.

"What? Why?" Nihlas yelped.

"He might be able to smash it…" The doctor hummed, "Let's just hope he can do it without breaking your wrists."

"But I'm a _Turian_." Nihlas yelled in horror.

"Unfortunate, yes, but Wrex is as mellow as Krogan gets as far as I'm concerned. Lord knows I've hardly talked to the guy."

"How can you be so sure he's not going to break my arms if you've barely spoken to him?" Nihlas snapped.

Chakwas turned and raised an eyebrow. "Seriously, you must be pulling my leg. Even the Krogan should know it's a bad idea to piss off the only doctor he's got."


End file.
